She Stoops to Conquer by Oliver Goldsmith
THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT.
Scene I At Three Pigeons
Enter MARLOW and HASTINGS. (from left) Tony drinks with two friends.
MARLOW. What a tedious uncomfortable
day have we had of it! We were told it was but forty
miles across the country,
and we have come above threescore.
HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that
unaccountable reserve of yours,
that would not let us
inquire more frequently on the way.
TONY. I'm told you have been
inquiring for one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what
part of the country you are in?
HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can
inform us----
TONY. Pray, gentlemen, is not this
same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fashioned, whimsical
fellow, with an ugly face, a
daughter, and a pretty son?
HASTINGS. We have not seen the
gentleman; but he has the family you mention.
TONY. The daughter, a tall,
trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole; the son, a pretty, well-bred,
agreeable youth, that everybody is
fond of.
MARLOW. Our information differs in
this. The daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful; the
son an awkward booby, reared up
and spoiled at his mother's
apron-string.
TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen,
all I have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's
house this night, I believe.
HASTINGS. Unfortunate!
TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark,
boggy, dirty, dangerous way.
TONY. I ben't sending them to my father's
as an inn. It will be funny.
You will have a large old house by
the road side.
TONY. the landlord is rich, and going
to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman,
having your presence, he! he! he!
He'll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if you mind
him, he'll persuade you that his
mother was an alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace.
MARLOW. Well, if he supplies us with good
wine and beds, we shall want no farther connexion.
Let us move. (exit to the left)
Scene II An old-fashioned House.
Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three awkward Servants. (from right)
HARDCASTLE. Well, I hope you are
perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these
three days. You all
know your posts and your places, and can show that you have
been used to good
company.
All . Ay, ay.
HARDCASTLE. Diggory show at the
side-table and you, Roger advanced from the place yourself
behind my chair. But
you're not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take
your hands from your pockets, Roger; and from your head, you
blockhead you. See
how Diggory carries
his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great
matter.
HARDCASTLE. Diggory, you are too
talkative.--Then, if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good
story at table, you
must not all burst out a-laughing
DIGGORY. Then ecod your worship must
not tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room: I can't
help laughing at
that--he! he! he!--for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these
twenty years--ha!
ha! ha!
HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Suppose one
of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will
you behave? A glass of
wine, sir, if you please (to DIGGORY).--Eh, why don't you
move?
DIGGORY. Ecod, your worship, I never
have courage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought
upo' the table, and then
I'm as bauld as a lion.
HARDCASTLE. What, will nobody move?
FIRST SERVANT. I'm not to leave this
pleace.
SECOND SERVANT. I'm sure it's no
pleace of mine.
THIRD SERVANT. Nor mine, for sartain.
HARDCASTLE.O you dunces! I find I
must begin all over again----But don't I hear a coach drive
into the yard? you
blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and give my old friend's son a
hearty reception at the
gate. [Exit HARDCASTLE.] (to the left )
MARLOW. My life has been chieflyspent
in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of
the creation that chiefly
teach men confidence. I don't know that I was ever familiarly
acquainted with a single
modest woman--except my mother--But among females of
another class, you know----
HASTINGS. Ay, among them you are impudent
enough of all conscience.But in the company of
women of reputation I never
saw such an idiot, such a trembler; I pity you. But how do
you intend behaving to the
lady you are come down to visit at the request of your father?
MARLOW. As I behave to all other
ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or no to all her demands--But
for the rest, I don't think I
shall venture to look in her face till I see my father's again ,my
dear Hastings, my chief
inducement down was to be instrumental in forwarding your
happiness, not my own. Miss Neville
loves you, the family don't know you; as my friend
you are sure of a reception, and
let honour do the rest.
Enter HARDCASTLE ( from left )
HARDCASTLE. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily
welcome. Which is Mr. Marlow? Sir, you
are heartily
welcome.
MARLOW. (To HASTINGS.) He has got our names from
the servants already. (To
HARDCASTLE.) We approve your caution and
hospitality, sir.
HARDCASTLE. I would like to tell you.Mr.Marlow,
that you need not observe any formality here.
MARLOW. I think of changing our travelling dresses.
HASTINGS. I think you are right, Marlow . I propose
to start with my white suit with golden embroidery.
HARDCASTLE.
Mr. Marlow and Mr. Hastings you may do just as you please here. This is liberty
hall.
MARLOW. Yet, George, I think to reserve the embroidery
to secure a retreat.
HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow,
puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlborough, when
we went to besiege
Denain. He first summoned the garrison----
MARLOW. Don't you think the gold embroidered waistcoat will do with the plain brown?
HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the garrison, which
might consist of about five thousand men---
HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but
very poorly.
HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you,
be summoned the garrison, which might consist of
about five thousand men----
MARLOW. The girls like finery.
MARLOW.(To Hardcastle ) What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass
of punch in the mean time; it
would help us to carry
on the siege with vigour. HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is
the most unaccountable
kind of modesty I ever met with.
MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch,
after our journey,will be comfortable. This is Liberty-
hall, you know.
HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir.(Taking
the cup.) Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better
acquaintance. (Clinks
the cups Drinks )
MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent
fellow this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little.
Sir, my service to you. [(Clinks
the cups Drinks.]
HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow
wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an
innkeeper, before he has
learned to be a gentleman.
MARLOW. What have you prepared for
our supper?
HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever
such a request to a man in his own house?
MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I
begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the
larder, I promise you.
HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a brazen
dog sure never my eyes beheld. (To him.) Why, really, sir,
as for supper I can't well
tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between
them. I leave these kind of
things entirely to them.
HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the
larder then
HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to
command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-
night's supper
Enter Roger with Menu( from right)
MARLOW. (Perusing.) What's here? Damn it. (Reading.)
For the first course, at the top, a pig and
prune sauce.
HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say.
MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce,
say I.
HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to
men that are hungry, pig with prune sauce is very good
eating.
MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's
tongue and brains.
HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked
out, my good sir, I don't like them.
HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence exhausts
me. (To them.)Gentlemen, you are my guests,
make what alterations
you please. Isthere anything else you wish to drop or alter,
gentlemen?
MARLOW. Yes, let ‘s have a pork pie,
a boiled rabbit and sausages, minced meat, a pudding, and a
dish of icecream.
HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm resolved
at least to attend you.
(Exeunt
MARLOW and Hastings to the left )
This may be modem
modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fashioned
impudence. ( Exit HARDCASTLE to the right )
Scene
III At the Lawn
Backdrop
Lawn
HASTINGS. (Alone.) Ha! what do I see?
Miss Neville, by all that's happy!
Enter MISS NEVILLE ( from right )
MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To
what unexpected good fortune, towhat accident, am I to
ascribe this happy
meeting?
HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same
question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest
Constance at an inn.
MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you
mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce
you to think this
house an inn?
HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with
whom I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an
inn, I assure you. A
young fellow, whom we accidentally met at a house hard by,
directed us hither.
MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be
one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard
me talk so often;
ha! ha! ha!
HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends
for you
MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to
fear from him, I assure you.
HASTINGS. Dear You must know, my
Constance, I have just seized this happy opportunity of my
friend's visit here to get admittance
into the family. The horses that carried us down are
now fatigued with
their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl
will trust in her faithful
Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France, where even among
slaves the laws of marriage
are respected.
MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you,
that I am ready to obey you. Yet, the instant my little
fortune of jewels are put
into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and
myself yours.
HASTINGS. Perish the fortune. Your
person is all I desire. In the mean time, my friend Marlow
must not be let into his
mistake. He would instantly quit the house before our plan was
ripe for execution.
MISS NEVILLE. MissHardcastle is just
returned from walking; This, this way----[They confer.]
Enter MARLOW from left
HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me
congratulate you!--The most fortunate accident!--Who do you
think is just alighted?
MARLOW. Cannot guess.
HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss
Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce
Miss
Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening to dine in the
neighbourhood, they
called on their return to take fresh horses here. Wasn't it the most
fortunate thing in the world?
MARLOW. Oh! yes. Very fortunate--a
most joyful encounter--But our dresses, George, you know
are in disorder--What if we
should postpone the happiness till to-morrow?--To-morrow
at her own house [Offering
to go.]
MISS NEVILLE. By no means, sir. Your
ceremony will displease her. The disorder of your dress
will show the ardour of
your impatience. Besides, she knows you are in the house, and
will permit you to see her.
MARLOW. O! the devil! how shall I
support it? Hem! hem! Hastings,you must not go. You are to
assist me, you know.
HASTINGS. Pshaw, man! She's but a
woman, you know.
MARLOW. And, of all women, she that I
dread most to encounter.
Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking, a bonnet, etc. ( from right )
HASTINGS. (Introducing them.) Miss
Hardcastle, Mr. Marlow.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad of your
safe arrival,
MARLOW. (appears uneasy and
disconcerted) Yes, madam,
MISS HARDCASTLE. You that have seen
so much of the finest company, can find little
entertainment in an
obscure corner of the country.
MARLOW. (Gathering courage.) I have
lived, indeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept very
little company. I have
been but an observer upon life, madam, while others were
enjoying it.
MISS NEVILLE. But that, I am told, is
the way to enjoy it at last.
HASTINGS. (To MARLOW.) Cicero never
spoke better. Once more, and you are confirmed in
assurance forever.
MARLOW. (To HASTINGS .) Hem! Stand by
me, then, and when I'm down, throw in a word or
two, to set me up again. I
was always willing to be amused. The folly of most people is
rather an object of mirth
than uneasiness.
HASTINGS. (To MARLOW.) Bravo, bravo.
Never spoke so well in your whole life. ( To Miss
HARDCASTLE) I believe our
being here will but embarrass the interview.
MARLOW. Not in the least, Mr.
Hastings. We like your company of all things. (To HASTINGS.)
Zounds! George, sure you
won't go? how can you leave us?
HASTINGS. No Marlow, you can.
Neville, shall we?( Exit to the left )
MARLOW. (Relapsing into timidity.)
Pardon me, madam, I--I--I—I love to converse only with the
more grave and sensible
part of the sex. But I'm afraid I grow tiresome.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Not at all, sir;
there is nothing I like so much as grave conversation myself; I
could hear it for ever. Indeed,
I have often been surprised how a man of sentiment could
ever admire those light airy
pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart.
MARLOW. It's----a disease----of the
mind, madam. In this age of hypocrisy ----um--a--um.
MISS HARDCASTLE. You mean that in
this hypocritical age there are few that do not condemn in
public what they practise in private, and
think they pay every debt to virtue when they
praise it.
MARLOW. True, madam; those who have
most virtue in their mouths, have least
of it in their
bosoms. But I'm sure I
tire you, madam,madam--But I see Miss Neville
expecting us in
the next room. I would not
intrude for the world.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I protest, sir, I
never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray go on.
MARLOW. Yes, madam, I was----But she
beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the
honour to attend you?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Well, then, I'll
follow.
MARLOW. (Aside.) This pretty smooth
dialogue has done for me. [Exit to the left.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone.) Ha! ha! ha!
Was there ever such a sober,sentimental interview? I'm
certain he scarce looked in
my face thewhole time. Yet the fellow, but for his
unaccountable bashfulness, is
pretty well too.. If I could teach him a little confidence, it
would be doing somebody that I
know of a piece of service. (Exit to the right.]
(Backdrop screen - another place
in the lawn)
(Enter Tony and Hastings from
left)
TONY. (Singing.) "There was a young
man riding by, and fain would have his will. Rang do didlo
dee."----Don't mind
her. Let her cry.
HASTINGS. Then you're no friend to
the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman?
TONY.( nods no ).
HASTINGS. Not to her of your mother's
choosing
TONY. No. No.
HASTINGS. Would you thank the man who
may be willing to take Miss. Neville and leave you
free?
TONY. Ay; but where can I find such a
friend?
HASTINGS. I am that friend. If you just
help me to take her off to France, and you shall never hear
more of her.
TONY. I will, to the last drop of my
blood. I'll attach a pair of horses to your chaise that would drive
you off. I will give you her
jewels. (Singing.)"We are the boysThat fears no noiseWhere the
thundering cannons roar."
[Exeunt to the right.]
Scene IV (Backdrop - Living room )
Enter
HARDCASTLE, alone from right.
HARDCASTLE. What could my old friend
Sir Charles mean by recommending his son as the
modestest young man
in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass
that ever spoke
with a tongue.
Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly
dressed.
HARDCASTLE. Well, my Kate, I see you
have changed your dress, as I bade you.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I find such a
pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands. Thanks for allowing
me to wear fashionable dress in
the morning and to dress plainly in the evening as you wish.
HARDCASTLE. And yet, Kate, I
sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I
recommended my
modest gentleman to you as a lover to-day.
MISS HARDCASTLE. You taught me to
expect something extraordinary, and I find the original
exceeds the description.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I never saw any one
so modest.
HARDCASTLE. I never saw such a
bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. He met me with
a loud voice, a lordly
air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again.
MISS HARDCASTLE. He treated me with
diffidence and respect; censured the manners of the age;
admired the prudence of
girls that never laughed; tired me with apologies for being
tiresome; then left the room with a
bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world
detain you."One
of us must certainly be mistaken.
HARDCASTLE. If he be what he has
shown himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent.
MISS HARDCASTLE. And as one of us
must be mistaken, what if we go to make further discoveries?
HARDCASTLE. Agreed. But depend on't
I'm in the right.
MISS HARDCASTLE. And depend on't I'm
not much in the wrong.
[HARDCASTLE Exits to the
right. MISS HARDCASTLE Exits to the left ]
Back drop – A
room (Enter Tony, running in with a
casket.)
Tony : I’ve got them.
Here they are. My cousin Neville’s Jewels. My mother cannot cheat the poor girl
of
her fortune.
(Enter
Hastings from the right)
Hastings: My dear friend, how have you
managed with your mother? Our horses will be refreshed in a short
time and we shall soon be ready
to set off.
Tony: And here is something to bear your charges
by the way; your Sweet heart’s jewels. Keep them.
Hastings: But, How have you procured them from
your mother?
Tony: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no tales.
(Exit Hastings to the right)
(Enter
Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss. Neville from the left)
Mrs. Hardcastle: Indeed, Constance, you amaze
me. Such a girl as you want jewels! It will be time enough
for jewels my dear, twenty
years hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs.
Miss.Neville: But what will repair beauty at
forty will certainly improve it at twenty, madam.
Mrs.Hardcastle: yours, my dear, can admit of
none. That natural blush is beyond a thousand ornaments.
Beside, child, jewels are
quite out at present.
Miss. Neville: But who knows, madam, but
somebody that shall be nameless would like me best with all my
little finery?
Tony: (to Mrs.Hardcastle) Then why don’t you
tell that her so at once, as she’s so longing for them? Tell her
they’re lost. It is the only way to
quiet her. Say they’re lost and call me to bear witness.
Mrs. Hardcastle (To Tony). You know my
dear, I’m only keeping them for you. So if I say they’re gone,
you’ll bear me
witness, will you?Ha!.... Ha!.... ha! ......(laughing)
Miss. Neville: I desire them but for a day,
madam. Just to be permitted to show them as relics and then they
may be locked up again
Mrs. Hardcastle .To be plain with you, my
dear Constance, if I could find them you should have them. They
‘re missing. I assure you.
Lost for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are.
Miss. Neville. I’ll not believe it! This is but
a shallow pretence to deny me. I know they are so valuable to
be so slightly kept and as
you are to answer for the loss.
Mrs. Hardcastle. Don’t be alarmed, Constance. If
they be lost, I must restore an equivalent. But my son
knows they are missing
and not to be found. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though
we lose our fortune, yet
we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am.
Miss.Neville : Ay, people are generally calm at
the misfortunes of others.
(Exit Neville to the left)
(Mrs. Hardcastle witnesses
the lost casket)
Mrs. Hardcastle: confusion! Thieves!
Robbers. We are cheated, plundered, broke open undone
My bureau has been
broken open, the jewels are taken out ! And I’m undone.
Tony : Oh! Is that all? I thought you were
ruined in earnest. Ha! Ha! Ha.
Mrs. Hardcastle: Why boy! I’m ruined in earnest
(crying)
Tony : stick to that: Ha! Ha! Ha. I’ll bear
witness.
Mrs. Hardcastle: I tell you darling! If the
jewels are gone, and I shall be ruined forever. (arguing each other)
Tony: I can bear witness to that
Mrs. Hardcastle: Do you insult me, monster? I’ll
teach you to vex your mother, I will.
Tony: I can bear witness to that (Fighting each
other) (He runs off, she chases him) (Exit
to the left)
(Backdrop
- a private room)
(Miss.Hardcastle
enters the room where Marlow is pondering on his interview)
(Kate in the
disguise of barmaid )
Miss.Hardcastle: Did you call, sir? Did your honour call?
Marlow : (Aside) As for Kate , she’s too grave
and sentimental for me.
Miss.Hardcastle: Did your honour call me?
Marlow : No, child - Besides, from the glimpses I had of her, I think she squints.
Miss.Hardcastle: I am sure I heard the bell ring
Marlow : No, no...
Miss.Hardcastle: perhaps the other gentle man called sir?
Marlow: I tell you no... no... no... I tell
you (looks full in her face). Yes Child, I think I did call. I wanted- I
wanted .... I vow, child, you are
vastly handsome.
Miss.Hardcastle: pray,.... keep your distance.
Marlowe : If you keep me at this distance,
how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted
Miss.Hardcastle: And who wanted to be acquainted with you? I want no
such acquaintance, not I. I’m sure.
You did not treat Miss.
Hardcastle well, that was there a while ago, in this unruly manner.
Marlowe: I laughed and rallied her a little but
I was unwilling to be too severe. No I could not be more cruel.
Ay... Do you ever do embroidery child?(Seeing the tapestry on walls and window curtains)
Miss.Hardcastle: S... sure...there’s not a screen or quilt in the
whole house that doesn’t have a mark of my
work.
Marlowe: (seizing her hand) Then show me your
embroidery. If you want your work to be judged by an
expert, you must come to me.
Miss.Hardcastle: Ay, but the colours do by candle light. You shall
see them in the morning.
Marlowe: why not now my angel? ——— The old innkeeper
comes here too! My bad luck!
(Exit Marlowe to the left)
(Enter Mr. Hardcastle from
the right)
Hardcastle: So madam. So, I find this is your
modest lover. This is your humble admirer, that kept his eyes
down fixed on the ground.
Kate, are you not ashamed to cheat your father so?
Miss.Hardcastle.
Never trust me! Dear papa... but he’s
still the modest man.
Hardcastle: I believe his impudence is
infectious. Didn’t I see him seize your hand?
Miss.Hardcastle: But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, I hope
you’ll forgive him. Sir, I ask but this
night to convince you.
Hardcastle: You shall not have half the
time, for I thought of turning him out of this very hour.
Miss.Hardcastle.
Give me that hour then sir and I hope
to satisfy you.
Hardcastle: well an hour let it be then. All should be fair and open.
(Exit Miss.Hardcastle and Hardcastle to the right)
Backdrop a hall
Enter MARLOW from the left, followed by a
Servant.
MARLOW. Have you deposited the casket
with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into
her own hands?
SERVANT. Yes, your honour. [Exit
Servant to the left.]
Enter
HASTINGS from the right.
HASTINGS. I hope, of the casket I
sent you to lock up? Is it in safety?
MARLOW. Yes, yes. It's safe enough.
MARLOW. I have sent it to the
landlady to keep for you.
HASTINGS. To the landlady!
MARLOW. The landlady.
HASTINGS. You did?
MARLOW. I did. She's to be answerable
for its forthcoming, you know.
HASTINGS. Yes, she'll bring it forth
with a witness. (Aside.) So now all hopes of fortune are at an
end, and we must set off
without it. (To him.) may you be as successful for yourself
with the pretty barmaid,
as you have been for me! [Exit.]
MARLOW. Thank ye, George: I ask no
more. Ha! ha! ha!
Enter
HARDCASTLE from the right.
HARDCASTLE. I no longer know my own
house. It's turned all topsy-turvy. His servants have got
drunk already. I'll
bear it no longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I'll be
calm. (To him.) Mr.
Marlow, your servant. I'm your very humble servant.
(Bowing
low.)
MARLOW. Sir, your humble servant. (Aside.)
What's to be the wonder now?
HARDCASTLE. Though I say nothing to
your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable.
Their manner of drinking is setting a very
bad example in this house,
I
assure you.
MARLOW. I protest, my very good sir,
that is no fault of mine. I ordered them not to spare the
cellar. I did, I assure
you.
HARDCASTLE. Zounds! he'll drive me
distracted, if I contain myself any longer. Mr. Marlow--Sir;
I have submitted to your
insolence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of
its coming to an end. I'm
now resolved to be master here, sir; and I desire that you and
your drunken pack may
leave my house directly.
MARLOW. Leave your house!----Sure you
jest, my good friend! What? when I'm doing what I can
to please you.
HARDCASTLE. I tell you, sir, I'm
serious! I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I
command you
to leave it directly.
MARLOW. Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a
storm. I shan't stir a step, I assure you. (In a serious tone.)
This your house, fellow!
It's my house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay.
What right have you to
bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence,
curse me; never in
my whole life before.Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill and
let's hear no more on't.
HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man,
from your father's letter to me, I was taught to expect a
well-bred modest man as a visitor
here, but now I find him no better than a coxcomb
and a bully; but he will
be down here presently, and shall hear more of it.
[Exit
to the right.]
MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not
mistaken the house. Everything looks like an inn. The
servants cry, coming; the
attendance is awkward; the bar-maid, too. But she's here, and
will further inform me.
child? A word with you.
Enter MISS HARDCASTLE from the right.
MARLOW. child, answer me one question. What are
you, and what may your business in this house be? MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A
poor relation, appointed to keep the keys, and to see that the guests want
nothing in my power to
give them.
MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this
inn.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in
your head? One of the best families in the
country keep an
inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr.Hardcastle's house an inn!
MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr.
Hardcastle's house,child?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be?
MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been
damnably imposed on. I shall be laughed at over the
whole town. What a silly puppy do
I find myself! There again, may I be hanged, my dear, but I
mistook you for the bar-maid.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I should besorry
(pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my account.
I'msure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no
fortune but my
character.
MARLOW. Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only
part of the family Ileave with reluctance. But to be
plain with you, the difference of our birth, fortune, and education,
makes an honourable
connexion impossible; I can never cherish your alluring beauty and ruin
your honour.
[Exit to the left.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till
now. He shall notgo, if I have power or art to detain
him. I'll still preserve
the character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; [Exit to the right.]
Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE from the left
TONY. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two more,
for fear she should suspect us. [They
retire, and
seem to fondle.]
Enter
MRS. HARDCASTLE from the left.
TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Constance's hazel
eyes, and her pretty long fingers, that she twists
this way and that over the haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins.
MRS. HARDCASTLE.. Isn't he a sweet boy, my
dear? You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off
the rest of his education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter
opportunity.
Enter Servant1.
SERVANT1. Where's the 'squire? I have
got a letter for your worship.
TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads
all my letters first.
MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read
it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better than I. (Twitching the
letter from him.) Do you know
who it is from?
TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick
Ginger, the feeder.
MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is.
(Pretending to read.) Dear 'Squire, hoping that you're in health, as I am
at this present. The gentlemen of
the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green
quite out of feather. (Thrusting
the crumpled letter upon him.)
TONY. I would not lose the rest of it
for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it out.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Grant me patience. I
shall run distracted! My rage chokes me.
MISS NEVILLE. Pardon me madam, show
me some concern.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. As for you, madam,
since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would
be cruel to
disappoint them. So, if you please,instead of running away with your
spark, prepare, this
very moment, to run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will
keep you secure [Exit with Neville to the left.]
(Tony
sketches a plan and leaves to the right)
(Back drop Living Room)
Enter SIR
CHARLES and HARDCASTLE from the Right.
SIR CHARLES. Yes, Dick, but be
mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, ha! ha! ha!
HARDCASTLE. Well, I'm in too good
spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this
union of our families
will make our personal friendships hereditary;
HARDCASTLE. I tell you they DO like
each other. My daughter as good as told me so.
SIR CHARLES. But girls are apt to
flatter themselves, you know.
HARDCASTLE. I saw him grasp her hand
in the warmest manner myself; and here he comes.
Enter MARLOW from the left.
MARLOW. I come, sir, once more, to
ask pardon for my strange conduct.
HARDCASTLE. Tut, boy, a trifle! You
take it too gravely. An hour or two's laughing with my
daughter will set
all to rights again.
HARDCASTLE. I know what has passed
between you; but mum.
MARLOW. Sure, sir, nothing has passed
between us.
MARLOW. I never gave her the
slightest cause.
HARDCASTLE. Well, well, I like
modesty in its place well enough. But this is over-acting, young
gentleman. You may be open. Your father
and I will like you all the better for it.
MARLOW. Dear sir--I protest, sir----
HARDCASTLE. I see no reason why you
should not be joined as fast as the parson can tie you.
MARLOW. But hear me, sir--
HARDCASTLE. Your father approves the
match, I admire it; every moment's delay will be doing
mischief.
MARLOW. But why won't you hear me? We
had but one interview, and that was formal, modest,
and uninteresting.
SIR CHARLES. And you never grasped
her hand, or made any protestations?
MARLOW. I saw the lady without
emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you'll exact no
farther proofs of my duty, nor
prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many
mortifications.
[Exit to the left.]
SIR CHARLES. I'm astonished at the
air of sincerity with which he parted.
HARDCASTLE. Here comes my daughter,
and I would stake my happiness upon her veracity.
Enter MISS HARDCASTLE from the right.
HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child.
Answer us sincerely and without reserve: has Mr. Marlow
made you any
professions of love and affection?
MISS HARDCASTLE. The question is very
abrupt, sir. But since you require unreserved sincerity, I
think he has.
HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You
see.
SIR CHARLES. And pray, madam, have
you and my son had more than one interview?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, several.
HARDCASTLE. (To SIR CHARLES.) You
see.
SIR CHARLES. But did be profess any
attachment?
MISS HARDCASTLE. A lasting one.
SIR CHARLES. Did he talk of love?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Much, sir.
SIR CHARLES. Amazing! And all this
formally?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Formally.
HARDCASTLE. Now, my friend, I hope
you are satisfied.
SIR CHARLES. And how did he behave,
madam?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Then, what, sir, if
I should convince you to your face of my sincerity? If you
and my papa, in about half an
hour, will place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear
him declare his passion to me in person.
SIR CHARLES. Agreed. And if I find
him what you describe, all my happiness in him must have an
end. [Exit to the right.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. And if you don't
find him what I describe--I fear my happiness must never
have a beginning. [Exit to the left.]
SCENE iv at the back of the Garden.
Enter Mrs. HARDCASTLE,
NEVILLE and Tony from the left.
Mrs. HARDCASTLE. My boy, Tony, are
the horses ready?
TONY. Yes Mom, We can leave. We have
to travel twenty and five miles. This riding by night, by
the bye, is cursedly tiresome. It will
shake you worse than the basket of a stage-coach.
Mrs. HARDCASTLE. twenty and five miles? Then hurry up.
TONY. Sure..Get into the coach.
(On screen coach ride video)
Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE got from the pond, and draggled up to the waist
like a mermaid.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Oh, Tony, I'm killed!
Shook! Battered to death. I shall never survive it. That
last jolt, that laid us against the quickset
hedge, has done my business.
TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your
own fault. You would be for running away by night, without
knowing one inch of the way. By my
guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about
forty miles from home.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. O lud! O lud! The
most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a
robbery to make a complete night.
HARDCASTLE stands at the right
TONY. Do you see anything like a
black hat moving behind the thicket?
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Tony, I see a man
coming towards us. Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us,
we are undone.
TONY. (To her.) Ah, it's a highwayman
with pistols aslong as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow.
you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave
me to manage him. If there be any danger, I'll
cough, and cry hem. When I
cough, be sure to keep close.
(MRS.
HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the back scene.)
HARDCASTLE approaches Tony
.
HARDCASTLE. I'm mistaken, or I heard
voices of people in want of help. Oh, Tony! is that you? I
did not expect you so soon
back. Are your mother and Neville in safety?
TONY. Very safe, sir, at my aunt
Pedigree's. Hem.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Ah,
death! I find there's danger.
HARDCASTLE. But I heard a voice here;
TONY. It was I, sir, talking to
myself, sir. Hem.
HARDCASTLE. I'm certain I heard two
voices, and am resolved (raising his voice) to find the other
out.(searches for the other)
MRS. HARDCASTLE. (From behind.) Oh!
he's coming to find me out. Oh!
MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Running forward
from behind.) O lud! he'll murder my poor boy, my
darling! Here, good gentleman,
whet your rage upon me. (Kneels
down) Take my money,
my life, but spare that young
gentleman; spare my child, if you have any mercy.
HARDCASTLE. My wife, as I'm a
Christian.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Take compassion on
us, good Mr.Highwayman. Take our money, our
watches, all we have, but
spare ourlives.
HARDCASTLE. I believe the woman's out
of her senses. What, Dorothy,don't you know ME?
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mr. Hardcastle, as I'm
alive! My fears blinded me. What has brought you to
follow us?
HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you have
not lost your wits? So far from home, when you are within
forty yards of your own door! (To
him.) This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue,
you. (To her.) Don't you know
the gate, and the mulberry-tree; and don't you remember
the horse-pond, my
dear?
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Yes, I shall
remember the horse-pond (To TONY.) And it is to you, you
I'll
teach you to abuse your mother,I will.
(Tony
runs to the right. She chases him)
Scene v Bacdrop
- A Room divided with a screen
Enter HARDCASTLE and SIR CHARLES from right.
SIR CHARLES. Here, behind this
screen.
HARDCASTLE. Ay, ay; make no noise.
I'll engage my Kate covers him
with confusion at last.
MARLOW. By God madam! Fortune has the
least importance for me. It is your
beauty that caught
my attention first, for who could remain
unmoved on seeing that beauty. What at first
appeared to be immodest, now
strikes me as the result of courageous innocence and
conscious virtue. I am now
determined to say, madam; my father has good power of
judgement, when he sees you, I’m
sure, he would approve you.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir, I must request you
to be patient. Let us end our acquaintance in formal courtesy
as it began.
MARLOW. (Kneeling.) No, madam, every moment that
shows me your merit, only serves to increase my
diffidence and
confusion. Here let me continue----
SIR CHARLES. (comes out of the screen) I can hold
it no longer. Charles, Charles, how hast thou deceived
me! Is this your indifference,
your uninteresting conversation?
HARDCASTLE. Your cold contempt; your formal
interview! What have you to say now? you can address a
lady in private, and deny it in public: that you have one story for us,
and another for my daughter.
MARLOW. Daughter!--This lady your daughter?
HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, my only daughter; my Kate; whose else should she be?
MARLOW. Oh, the devil!
MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir, that very identical tall squinting lady you were
pleased to take me for;
Ha! ha! ha!
MARLOW. Zounds! there's no bearing this; it's worse than death!
MISS HARDCASTLE. In which of your characters, sir, will you give us leave to address
you? As the
faltering gentleman, with
looks on the ground, or the loud confident creature, Ha! ha! ha!
MARLOW. O, curse on my noisy head.
HARDCASTLE. I see it was all a
mistake, and I am rejoiced to find it. Won't you forgive him, Kate?
We'll all
forgive you. Take courage, man.
Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE and Tony.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, if Hastings
has taken away Neville, he has not taken her fortune; that
remains in this family to console
us for her loss.
HARDCASTLE. Sure, Dorothy, you would
not be so materialsitc? If your son, when of age, refuses
to marry his cousin, her whole
fortune is then at her own disposal.
Enter
HASTINGS and MISS NEVILLE.
HASTINGS. (To HARDCASTLE.) For my
late attempt to fly off with your niece let my present
confusion be my punishment.
HARDCASTLE. I'm glad they're come
back to reclaim their due. Come hither, Tony, boy. Do you
refuse this lady's hand?
TONY. You know I can't refuse her
till I'm of age, father.
HARDCASTLE. I must now declare you
have been of age these three months.
TONY. Of age! Am I of age, father?
HARDCASTLE. Above three months.
TONY.. (Taking MISS NEVILLE's hand.)
Witness all men by these presents, that I, Anthony
Lumpkin, Esquire, of BLANK place,
refuse you, Constantia Neville, spinster, of no place at
all, for my true and lawful wife.
So Constance Neville may marry whom she pleases, and
Tony Lumpkin is his own man again.
SIR CHARLES. O brave 'squire!
HASTINGS. My worthy friend!
MRS. HARDCASTLE. My undutiful
offspring!
HARDCASTLE. (Joining their hands.)
Mr.Marlow, if she makes as good a wife as she has a
daughter, I don'tbelieve you'll
ever repent your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow we
shall gather all the poor of the
parish about us, and the mistakes of the night shall be crowned
with a merry morning.
